After going on sick leave for 3 and a half months due to extreme burnout & struggles with my anxiety and depression, I had an “epiphany”, I suppose.
Feeling my mind melting inside my hands once again was a brutal reminder of the volatility of… well, everything.
The world seems so broken at the moment. We are expected to work ourselves to death/till retirement (spot the difference u_u”). We have to work so much and so hard, only with no reward in sight any more…
There’s no guarantee that all these hours and struggles will allow us to get a house of our own, or even afford rent, groceries, medicine, etc. Hell, we don’t even have the guarantee that the planet will be there tomorrow or by the time we retire–if we are even lucky enough to make it till then…
I’m sure that you already know all of that. This isn’t a major breakthrough at all. All-in-all, things are looking pretty grim for those of us that still “have our whole lives ahead of us”, and most of us know this.
I think that it only truly hit me when I was crying in my GP’s office, asking for any help I could receive. I am grateful for the long pause that I got, which allowed me to breathe for a while and ask myself:
What am I working towards, or even, for?..
This is not what I was promised as a child. And it also isn’t what I’ve travelled over 10 thousand kilometres for. I left my island to live the life I’ve always dreamt of; not have my soul stuck in a corporate machine that weirdly looks like a meat-grinder.
I was barely 19 when I left. I am turning 27 this year and somehow haven’t made much progress on any of my goals (and the progress that was made has been so easily destroyed in the last three years).
Life is more than just struggling, yet struggles are inevitable. Now, does that mean that I should stay down and accept all of it? Or can I decide which struggle is worth the pain and stay away from the unnecessary ones?
What hill would I be okay to die on? I am not going to live forever, so, it’s important to make sure that the time I have means something to ME above anyone else.
I’ve always been tirelessly running. Not from things but towards them. I am tired of chasing after a rotten carrot on a stick;
I want to chase after myself now.
I am well capable of doing all the things that I want to do. And, if anyone watches me and thinks that I’m delusional, I’ll point you to the mirror.
Just because you don’t have the patience or desire to sink hours of your life into developing the skills, finding & giving birth to the ideas, doesn’t mean that I’m not able for it.
Just because you do not see the point in my goals doesn’t make them/me ridiculous or childish.
My purpose does not have to resonate with you. My soul does not owe you any explanations or proofs.
I will not let anyone else’s insecurities or fears bleed into my brain, ever again. If I need advice, I’ll ask. If I want feedback, I’ll ask. Don’t worry, it’ll be crystal clear when I am asking something from you x))))
I’ve made my decision a long, long time ago. I left home with a suitcase, some (shitty) songs and 0 knowledge about the various crafts I was ready to devote myself to. I knew NOTHING yet I was so fearless. And that’s who I want to be again–who I truly am.
I have a lot of knowledge now in the various fields that have been calling out to me since the day I was born. I’ve even less reasons to be scared, I am armed to the teeth with plenty of tools, resources and support.
Is it really a leap of faith, if I believe in myself?
Like I wrote in, She is tired of waiting too, I think about little me and I want to care for her. I want to ensure that she has everything she has ever needed. I want to give her love, friendship and allow her to continue singing her little heart out.
But I also think about 16-year-old Chloë, who most definitely did not think that she would live to be 26 or 27! I want to show her that the Light that we believed in is real and that our fire can survive in/coexist with the darkness.
She went through some crazy times, yet she hung on tight. I am so proud of her for surviving, so I could thrive.
And I also think of 22-year-old Chloë. All the hard work that she put in training her voice, learning the guitar all over again and teaching herself music theory.
All the fears that she braved only so she could pave the way for me to bloom and thrive. I am forever thankful and oh so proud of the giant steps she took in just a few years.
What saddens me is that, somehow, all of this struggle and hard work has faded now. I am left an empty shell, having to start over once again. It seemed impossible a few weeks ago, but now I can see a future ahead of me again.
I have been mostly napping and recharging since that fateful day; my body has been starving for this sweet nothing. Resting is undervalued and definitely incompatible with the modern idea of “productivity”.
It also is actually quite hard (for me, at least). It’s a lot of work to commit to resting and having fun instead of jumping right back into my hard-working shoes. I know however that I’d rather be tired than tied down to this chair ever again.
I’m not afraid at all, and any fear will only fuel me.
What has always scared me the most is living a life void of purpose, where I follow the script that someone else decided to write for me. I am not scared of the unknown, of taking risks, of failing nor succeeding.
I am scared of:
- Being caught by Time while I’m not even trying to make anything out of myself and being dragged to my death, shameful and bitter.
- Living a whole life without having even begun living and being told that time’s up. 5 more minutes won’t make a difference any more at that point.
- Allowing the dark reality that I pictured for myself since I was aware of my thoughts become real and take all the light away from me.
Now, that’s the kind of scary that I don’t like. That’s the kind of thing that I will always run from because nothing else on the other side is scarier.
If you missed my Instagram update, I handed in my notice last month, and three weeks ago today, I had my last day at work.
Of course, everyone asked me what job am I moving into, what company. “What’s the story, Chloë?” Some even said that they are sorry to hear that? I like to think that congratulations and tears of happiness would be more appropriate.
As for my plans, if you follow this blog or my socials, you will get updates on all the projects that are brewing in my cauldron when the time comes. Feel free to subscribe if you haven’t already ♥
And, as for now, I’m just going to be slowing down, and following my own flow. As outrageous as this idea might be to some, I just want to take care of my mental health and be a human again, not a machine.
If you’re looking for me, you can find me howling at the moon in my birthday suit. Or, staring at my guitar & paintbrushes like a horny dog stuck in a cage, not realising that the door is wide open behind her back ✨️🔮🦝🔥💃🌕🌈
Honestly, I am struggling with setting realistic expectations each day because I want it all & now. But I reckon that there’s a lot to be done and undone here.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I cannot escape my body’s needs nor Time’s cold embrace. One step at a time, one thing a day, and I will get there, way faster than I was headed a month ago.
Once I manage to get my shit tightly packed together, in a shape that resembles more a woman than a big pile of shit, I will let the whole world know.
I wish I could say that I feel alive again after those three weeks of rest & refuel, and oh so ready to dive right back in. But, the truth is that I need a lot more rest than I realised.
So, I will be taking my baby steps, slowly, carefully and silently for the most part…
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time that you spent on reading this long ass life update. I am happy to be sharing these thoughts and hope that maybe it sparks some inspiration in you to do whatever it is that you have been putting off for too long.
I know that “no one reads blogs any more” according to a lot of people, yet here you are, showing interest in some random girl’s life (that looks like a never-ending loop of hell > escape > recovery > hell).
Maybe in the age of everything being AI-generated, my humanity and the ridiculous amount of time hiding behind each of my carefully selected words mean something more. Thank you, and see you soon for some exciting updates ♥
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