These days, I haven’t been there for myself or anybody else. I have been mindlessly roaming–every breath I have taken the last two years has felt like glass shards entering my lungs.
A week ago, I was once again lost in a soundproof bubble; the purpose of which I mistakenly thought was to shelter me from this mad world. The truth is that it’s only been keeping me away from my own self, working hard to deepen this depression in the ground.
One that is not deep enough for my folie des grandeurs. I have a well, but I want a pond, a lake, an ocean–anything that screams “this is my home”, something I can recognise my reflection in. The water is still, yet not dead enough for me to wanna drink it…
…but I digress.
As tempting as it is to keep following this thread and write too many words about this recurring darkness, I want to focus on that spark of Light I experienced last week. It was very unexpected and came to me after I “watched” a very short reel on a social media platform.
The short video formats do not work for me at all–but that’s a rant for another day. Still, this one piqued my interest enough for me to want to head over to its description and read words that suddenly made me snap out of my trance.
Nothing I wasn’t already aware of. I have been tortured with the thought that “today is a day I will never get back” for months, and surrounded by reminders everywhere I turn. But, sometimes, you just need to hear a specific word at the right time to help you decide to get off your ass and find your balance again.
Although this sudden spark of Light did not magically cure me or fix everything that has fallen apart around me, it screamed at me: “You cannot keep waiting forever.”
This is something that I naturally do with pretty much anything that comes around. I must wait before I use this pretty notebook, wait until I have the perfect idea of what to use it for. I must wait to do X before Y, until it feels right.
This is a trap and I fall in it every single time, even though it has rarely benefited me. Pretty notebooks will be eaten by moths or turn yellow before I get to them, tickets to shows will be sold out, people will have moved on, etc.
You would think that one would learn from one’s mistakes, especially when they yield painful consequences. I am living proof that this is not always the case. Some things I learned through the pain; others, I repeat endlessly and then cry myself to sleep, wondering why I always end up in the same painful spots.
So, what am I waiting for this time?
A better headspace? A wave of energy? A longer break from my day job? Courage to try to build my empire back up after I failed and got deeply hurt? A home that is actually mine and not someone else’s? Actual peace of mind?
Although these things might come my way at some point, there is no guarantee that they will soon or that I will not lose my life before I can achieve them. I simply cannot wait and let this blind hope… blind me?
There is literally nothing stopping me from starting over right now, even if I am mentally and physically drained.
Starting (again), is just getting involved in the process and that doesn’t mean being suddenly on top, with my shit neatly arranged on the brand-new shelves I installed in my brain.
Starting with baby steps is where it’s at and also, the only logical way to start anything is from the ground up.
Another thing that caught my interest on one of my doom-scrolling sessions this month was the concept of looking at a significant other, and picturing the child that they were and that still lives inside of them.
This helped unlock a new layer of empathy within me, and I feel like I am more equipped to approach my relationships in a healthier way. I believe that this helps as a tool to stop and “check yourself” before you start yelling or getting frustrated at someone, for example.
I am tired of waiting and hurting. I want to be able to look at myself through that same lens to create a better culture of gratitude and self-care from within. So, here’s a letter I wrote to myself and I hope that maybe it can inspire you too…
You cannot keep waiting.
Stop here and start living your life as the woman capable of holding this Empire you dream of, even as it is barely a scribbled plan on paper. You don’t have to wait.
This is not “okay for now”. You do not “just gotta get through this storm and the next, and the next…”.
You can stop this cycle now. Shed all the skin of the stranger you’ve become and be the woman you need now.
There is “no future you” waiting for you to be done with your journey, so she can take over. She was here all along, and she is tired of waiting, too. The future starts now or whenever you mindfully decide to start living again.
You have got everything that you need already. The other stuff will come, but it is just an add-on to the great power and full-ness that you possess.
Make time. Make room. For yourself today, tomorrow; every day. For the little child that has waited long enough inside your chest to finally feel a purpose and joy after all these years.
Start creating the space now–there is enough room, there is enough time and energy to be spent on this. Make room and welcome her back. Welcome the new her, too. She is not a fantasy; she is you.
You are still here. You are here now, and you hold the past and future within you. Be there for yourself. Be the fire, be the future.
This did not magically fix me. I am, however, starting to find the words that work for me as a mantra as I attempt to set an intention before I start each day. I am a work in progress with no set goal or deadline, it is a neverending journey. I fail and I learn and I share 🔥
Let me know in the comments if you have any tips or thoughts when it comes to struggling with your own mind but wanting to try to be better, to keep pursuing your dreams/goals even when it rains inside ♥
The Dawn Chorus… 
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