Yesterday was my third year anniversary of living in Ireland. It has been a rollercoaster from the start and the first year & a half was actually hell in disguise, but it all lead me exactly where I needed to be.
When I decided to leave France for Ireland, it was purely the last act of a desperate woman. Everything I knew had fallen apart, and I was just sitting around in the debris, waiting to become one with them. But my fire, beaten up & almost frozen solid, had other ideas for me, none of which included giving up or becoming the wallpaper.
Since I couldn’t really get out of the deep dark hole that I was thrown into and then encouraged by my blurry mind to further dig, I had to find a way to turn it upside down. After the five to six months it took for me to get back up again, I figured that the best way to get rid of the darkness was to paint it in the colours of a new country.
It worked out. Just not forever. When the paint peeled off — in a smoothly, almost condescending manner — I found myself in the same state, maybe worse, as this new prison wasn’t as cosy as the one I had previously carved out of my own hands for myself.
So I started running again, and I ran into myself. And then I ran a little further, and I found my home. It took a lot of time and a lot more cuts & bruises than I expected, but I found what I had always been looking for…
I found the real fire that was inside me all along and not the illusion that I had been feeding my whole life before that. I found real people and real things that last beyond this life. It was only a spark when I found it, but I have cherished every last atom of it, and it has grown and keeps growing much, much bigger each day.
I remember when the plane was landing and my thoughts were “Wow, the grass is greener over here… It must be all the rain.”. I came to Ireland chasing the rain more than anything else and through various stories & lessons, it has taught me the importance of the rain and how to cherish it properly.
I always thought that my darkness needed to be shed, but my every attempt at doing so only made it sink its roots deeper inside me. I see now that it is an important part of me and growth, happiness or any other type of victory cannot be achieved without it.
I am the darkness; I am the light. I am the rain that keeps the grass green, and I am the sun that fuels their roots. I am the fire and the one that I have forever been waiting for.
I do not have to be one thing, so it is easier for people to understand me. I can be every part of me, unapologetically, and I do not have to convince people to love me; the right ones will always find me.
What those last three years taught me was all I needed to learn in order to really blossom into who I really am and finally start building that Empire I have always dreamt of.
I think it is funny sometimes how you go into one place looking for something specific, and you end up finding something completely different yet exactly what you were looking for. The Universe has your back, you just need to follow your guts.
Time has flown and took away with it what did not belong in my bigger picture. I wasn’t left alone but with plenty of space to fill with all the love, colours, stories, and happiness that I deserve.
Those three years were a rollercoaster, but here I am, where I had always wanted to be and on my way to pretty much everywhere.
Thank you for welcoming me, Ireland. I found my own, here; my home, where the grass is greener. And I am so looking forward to making it even greener. ♥