It’s been almost a month since I wrote a “whispered ramblings” post. I have been too busy working on making things happen & convincing Reality to accept and wear the beautiful dress I made for her.
I am writing this one for myself mostly as I am in need of a reminder of the strength that will always remain, even on my weakest, heaviest days. A reminder of the Light that I must always seek (even if it hurts more than the darkness at times).
I hope that if you are in need of a similar reminder or if you are overwhelmed right now, that this can help you remember that even when the darkness lasts forever, it doesn’t have to be completely dark.
The last few days have weighed a little on me and at some points, I feel like the entirety of my apartment was covered in a thick veil of darkness.
I have been feeling heavy and hollow at the same time. Angry and sad. My anxiety has been acting up too, which did not help one bit. I haven’t been able to shake it away, and even as I am typing this, I can still feel it at the back of my throat.
Nothing managed to put an end to this execrable mood, and not one thing was enough to clear up this dark abyss of a sky that has been cuddling me. But today it seems to have faded on its own and I feel a little bit brighter, although I still haven’t shed it completely yet.
Even through it all, I managed to write three blog posts and also the draft of a new song. I had way more things planned but that is still way more than I expected to be able for when my mind went dark.
What inspired this post was that I had a glimpse of a calmer ocean and bluer sky when I completed these tasks — but it all faded almost right after I started feeling better.
So, how can we beat the darkness? Especially that one type that is so thick and sticky? The darkness that towers over you and pins you down inside your own mind?
Well, after these almost 24 years of living in the storm, I can confidently say that the way out is never going to be a flashy fancy exit sign nor an easily accessible one. In fact, in a lot of cases, there might not even be a way out…
But that doesn’t mean that you have to lose! Most of the time, it’s not a question of win or lose, but more of surviving until the storm passes, until you can walk again.
The darkness will pass, but while it’s here — and rubbing its dirty hands all over everything like a child in the fresh products section of a supermarket — you can find ways to prevent it from taking over everything.
Now, those ways do not have to be something too demanding like working out or having a shower, which can be nearly impossible when you are in a really bad place.
It can be as small as a half-smile (either to yourself or someone else) or a simple act of self-care such as drinking a glass of water or stretching a bit before you sink back into your couch/bed.
The power of these small tasks might often be underestimated, but when you are drowning in your own rain and covered in darkness, they can help.
When I was feeling like absolute shite the other night, I found myself walking to the bathroom and flossing my teeth. It was a bit weird as it was the last thing I felt like doing at that moment, but this small action helped improve the state of my mind, ever so slightly.
Even though it did not last, and I reverted to a grey cloud oozing darkness half a second after I was done, it helped me remember… who I am ? (And it also inspired me to write this post.)
I think that when the darkness and/or the storm starts hitting hard, we often just lose ourselves in the heaviness of it all and forget the power of a touch or what it’s like to even feel good (or for some maybe if we are even real).
The darkness is actually really lonely, and it craves your company; so when it gets a hold of you, it makes sure you won’t go looking elsewhere because it wants all your attention and forever.
So, in order to not lose yourself completely and survive as long as it takes for it to fade in the background once again, you need to find those tiny things that can help you remember the colours hiding behind every drop of darkness…
I know it can take a lot of strength, especially on heavy days, but you must always fight to prevent the darkness or grey skies from consuming you completely.
If you manage to try, you might find that even in the darkest place, there is always going to be at least one stubborn star, no matter how small or how far, shining. And that is all the light that you need in order to beat the darkness.
This “star” can be whatever you want or whatever you can find. You must find that spark, the one still fighting to survive through the darkness — just as you are — and befriend it, protect it and never let it go too far out of sight.
You might find it in your heart, giving you the drop of courage and strength needed for a small act of love towards yourself or someone else.
Or you might find it in your mind, a tiny corner where you can curl up for a while and maybe enjoy a playback of some warm memories or build yourself a new miniature castle of hope.
And if you do manage to find one spark(or more!), it might just flip your whole day around ; or it won’t. But I hope that at least at that moment you can remember who you are and most importantly as much as the darkness might be a big part of you right now, it is not who you are.
If you don’t, though, that’s okay. It can be really tough, and you can always try again later or tomorrow. No matter what state your head is in when it hits the pillow, you are already winning by making out of bed and through the day.
I believe this has been long enough. It was a great reminder for me to write it, and it helped me feel a little better.
I know that this is just my perspective and based on my experience and the way my own mind works, but I hope that it helped you in some way too. ♥
I am going to leave you with one of my favourite song ever, The Light by Disturbed, which is all about never giving up and finding the light through the darkness. If my words didn’t help, I’m hoping that this might, at least for a moment.
I believe that no matter the colour of your darkness, the state of your mind or the state of the world, when it seems that all the good and all the light has vanished, there will always be a tiny spark waiting to be found (as long as you are willing to seek it and see it).
I hope that you can find those sparks and hold on to them. Thank you for reading ♥