Life has taken so many unexpected (yet highly dreamt of) turns for me in the last few years, but the most notable one would be July 13th, 2018, my first open mic.
I don’t know why they all came as a surprise to me, seeing as I was the one making them happen or at least allowing them to, but I can only guess that it is because after so many heartbreaks and tragedies, I didn’t think that good things could happen or even if I deserved them…
When I came to Ireland three years ago, it was with a heart heavy with darkness disguised as happiness and chains around my heart painted in the colours of freedom. I was a walking travesty, seeing reality through a fake hopeful lens and what it brought me wasn’t what I was looking for — until it was.
The thing with a cardboard façade is that if you let it soak in the rain for long enough, it soon turns into nothing. And when my picture-perfect life started melting before my eyes, I knew what I had to do; what I should have done long ago.
For a long time I thought that I had always been chasing after my dreams, but it is only recently, after some long overdue introspection, that I realize it was only ever pretend. I suppose that I was too scared to even try and never surrounded with the correct people for me to bloom.
I believe my journey only truly began on that night where I learned what a beating heart should feel like and got a glimpse at what my fire could become if I let it.
My first open mic
It was my first summer in Ireland. I had worked really hard on my voice in the previous two months, carefully preparing myself for this crucial night, where obviously nothing went as I had imagined.
I was a shaky mess and to be honest, I hadn’t even written a really good song yet so the whole experience was a bit “meh”. But it did give me the kick in the ass that I needed.
From then on I worked harder & consistently and I went to every open mic to built up my skills and my confidence. And for a while it was amazing until misery caught up with me… Which slowed me down as I reverted back to survival mode and often times had to put my mental health before anything else I cared about.
In the midst of all of that, I met Billy, which made all of that big mess I was knees-deep in bearable. My mental health was dancing on thin ice, but he helped me make it out alive. And then, of course, there was the whole chapter with that call-centre job that nearly sucked the soul out of me, but we don’t want to think about that anymore. Ha ha ha…
Since this journey officially started, my life has gone through a billion roller-coasters but I think I am in a much better place now ; safe and ready to bloom, at last.
Although I wish I could have gone to more open mics in those two years or gone through less trouble to get here, I am glad I did, otherwise I would probably be a boring and empty person.
The last open mic I went to was on February 23rd, this year, before the planet started spinning in slow motion and my apartment became my second skin.
I have memories of being a 16 year-old in Reunion receiving my first guitar on Christmas that my sister & mom had sworn they had not bought for me. I named her Lady Revenge as My Chemical Romance was about the only thing fueling my fire at the time and she was supposed to be the beginning of my empire.
Back then, we were still more in a fantasy mind state rather than an empire-building state of mind. However, it is still where this spark in me was born as I realized that music really was vital to me and that it was worth all the misery and madness, worth flying ten thousand kilometres away from my family for.
Lately, I often feel bad for still not being as far as I had planned into it. Sometimes it makes leaving my island and all those misadventures seem pointless but I know it wasn’t. I am working to build something that matters to me and that will be cherished forever by me and by the people that will have given me a chance to touch their hearts.
That’s why it is taking me all this time, I guess… You can’t build something bigger than life in one week !
Live music might not be a thing for a while but in the mean time, I hope to record all these songs that those years have brought me and share them with you all. Now I will just leave you with a little slideshow of my transformation from a 16 year-old dreamer to an almost-24-year-old doer. ♥