tired of not being there yet | whispered ramblings

These days, I am floating in a blurry bubble where Time is both suspended and still raging mercilessly inside & outside me. It has been hard for me to do anything much in the past two to three weeks. To my greatest misery.

I feel as though I sat down on the couch one evening after a long day of working on my music and my art– and all of the other things that make up the nonsensical mess that is my life — and then I never left. It’s like I was sitting in the same position this whole time and the days were just flashing before my motionless eyes.

Before this little wave of nothingness washed over my reality, I had been working on new things, exciting things and secret (for now… ;) ) things.

One of those things was that I wrote a new song. In fact, it is the second one I wrote since March and they are arguably two of the best songs I have written so far.

I am dying to share them.

I have been dying to share them since the first few seconds after I played them to Billy for the first time and realized that I had indeed written something good. However, as much as I would love to, it isn’t the right time yet. So they must sit tight in our pockets for now until they are polished and mastered. :(

This thing has been brewing for quite some time now, but there has always been something to slow me down. Now that all the obstacles were out of the way, I thought it would be a smooth sailing, but I have turned into my own obstacles now…

Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep properly every single night. It’s been on and off and so even when I do get enough sleep, sometimes I am still not rested enough to have the strength and brains required to practice and record songs.

The funny thing is that this only contributes to me feeling more tired because it takes a toll on my spirit. I know I have to work really hard on my voice, on these songs and on the recordings for this to blossom into the great thing that it is supposed to be. And so when I am too tired to work, I get frustrated with myself because I am not working as hard as I should be, and it makes me more tired and so on.

I hate this feeling. But I am working on slowly breaking this torture cycle by attempting to fix my sleep. Also, by relearning to push myself even when it is not really comfortable to do so, because sometimes it is the only way forward.

Today, Billy and I tried recording the guitar for the first song I want to release. We didn’t get a perfect take because, as it turns out, I needed to change my strings, but we will be trying again tomorrow.

(It’s nothing new, in fact, some you might have already heard it if you came to my blog or YouTube channel before I drafted all the posts/videos. But if we’re doing our job right, it might not sound too much like what you heard the first time around ;) )

I don’t have much confidence or energy right now. On some days, I feel like a ghost ! But I am going to bring the hard-working Chloë  back to life. I am going to be pushing through this fog all the while being nice to myself, and we are going to be recording song after song, and it will be amazing!

Right now, I have this pretty little ribbon wrapped tightly around my throat from the frustration (and sadness?) of not being able to share all these songs with the world. But I know the day is coming where at least this first one is let out and that will mark the start of so many more songs coming your way.

If you like reading my blog, I hope you stick around for the songs as well. I never knew that I had it in me, and I am very proud of my lyrics and music, and it would make me the happiest soul on Earth to be able to share it with you too. ♥

P.S. I am trying my best to be as active as possible on here, aiming for two posts a week, but Reality is sometimes too strange for plans and consistency?

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