I am writing this now in a much brighter mood than I was yesterday or the day before or the day before that or the day before that… In fact, I think it has been a few days since I have felt this lightweight and confident in my abilities to do things.
I had a surprisingly productive day today, not just because I had decided to but because after having begged for so long, my body & mind had finally been heard and received the rest and care that they so badly needed.
I have always had trouble accepting the fact that sometimes you need to rest or take breaks, and that it is totally okay.
I am learning over time to be more patient and forgiving with myself, but it’s not always easy, even at times like these where slowing down and resting is even more essential for your mental health.
Ever since I was little I’ve always had these big dreams and as I grew bigger, so did they, but I also started better understanding the magnitude of this dream Empire that I want(ed) to build and all the work it would take to even begin to get there.
So I started working hard, and I was dead set on never stopping until it’s comfortable enough to rest. I soon enough realized that this wasn’t a sustainable way of working towards my dreams and goals, or towards anything at all, really.
I did have to learn it the hard way, but at least it helped me understand that self-care was also an important ingredient to my success. Because, as much as you can be determined to get things done sometimes, your body & mind can’t always follow.
However, even to this day, I struggle with this notion because my instincts to work hard are constantly battling with my body and mind’s needs. But I am always trying my best to find that balance between productivity and self-care.
I had loads of plans for this week, but my period swept in and traded all my energy and good mood for pain and apathy. Now, I know it’s not a fair trade, but I never really agreed to it; it actually is supposed to be a gift ?
That made me more vulnerable to bad thoughts and feelings which in turn made me feel even more tired and therefore even less productive which made me prey to bad thoughts and feelings, and so on.
I tried to fight against the current and still attempt even the tiniest things, but I had to face it: it was not possible. I was feeling too gloomy and my whole body was too sore for me to just be able for things or even want to do them.
That’s actually what helped me “click”; when I realized that I also simply didn’t want to do these things. Not because I didn’t care about them, but simply because I needed a break.
I wasn’t too happy about it at first, because, of course, I wanted to be productive and make the most of my time at home. But as I settled in a little self-care cocoon, it was a bit easier to accept that the productivity can and had to wait.
So, I traded all of these productive plans for a hot water bottle, video games, movies, Scrabble games with Billy, strawberries and chocolate. And you know what ? It wasn’t even that bad after all.
Anyways. There was a point to be made at the start of this post but then it went on for so long that it kind of faded into something else.
But that’s why I call these type of posts whispered ramblings, because they are like thoughts that you exchange at 2 in the morning with your head half-buried in your pillow with another equally sleepy person. They do make sense, but they don’t, and then you move on.
I think that what I was trying to get to was that, after this long rest, I was allowed by my whole being to be productive today and I am so grateful.
I got to workout and made some progress on my online courses. I also wrote something on my blog and even though it is already 2AM, it still counts as a victory for yesterday.
But the real highlight and victory of the day was singing with Billy: we played some of the songs I wrote together, and it was a beautiful moment. ♥
I am so looking forward to working on recording, but I know it will take time, and we will have to step away from it at times to rest and recharge our batteries. But I don’t have to be afraid of those breaks because step by step we will get there, and it will be glorious!